AdrenalineX Forums

General => Off-Topic => Topic started by: [MAF]mooman on June 06, 2008, 12:53:00 am

Title: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on June 06, 2008, 12:53:00 am

This place needs some humor :)

---

What happened to the frog that broke down?
It got TOAD away!!!

---

Did you hear about the lobster who went to the disco?
He pulled a mussel!

---

How do you make an apple crumble?
Kick it in the groin!

---

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant!

---

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

---

Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch TV!

---

add more if you have any :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on June 06, 2008, 06:05:52 am

lol The long ones good.  ;D My mobile is full of jokes.

A dwarf goes to the doctors complaining about a sore fanny. Doctor gets his scissors out and snips a bit. Dwarf says "That good, it feels better, what did you do?" Doctor replies "I've trimmed the top off your wellies".

---

Family driving behind a dustbin lorry when a large dildo flys out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns to her young kinds and says "That was a big insect". To which her 7 yeard son says "I'm suprised it could fly with a cock that size".

---

Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his cock. He says "Do you like my cock that much?". She says "No, I just miss mine".

---

A young lad comes home and says to his dad, "I'm not a virgin anymore", dad says "Congratulations son, I will take you to the cinema to celebrate". Young lad replies "Not today dad, my arse still hurts".

---

REMEMBER : A woman is like a toilet. She's either Free, Taken, Engaged, Out Of Order, Taking The Piss or Full Of Shit.

---

Two nuns being raped down a country lane. First nun says "Forgive them lord, for they not know what they are doing". Second nun says "My god, this fucker does".

---

Zoo keeper says to Knutico "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you concider shagging it for £500?". Knutico replies "I will on three conditions, ONE my family don't find out. TWO I don't have to kiss it, THREE I need a couple of weeks to get the money together".

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on June 06, 2008, 06:22:31 am

lmao at the last joke now we know what all the donations are for

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on June 06, 2008, 07:09:21 am

Found some good ones on the net....

                                                                                                             
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As
the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the Women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes back to play in the ocean.

Then he runs to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his Mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the Longer he talks
the " dumber" he gets.
                                                                                                             
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a sh-t first."
                                                                                                                     
A computer techy was helping a friend set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password. Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...

The techy nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
                                                                                     

 ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on June 06, 2008, 08:13:15 am

lmaooo at the kuntico joke pwned!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 lmaoooo ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dr.Pressure on June 06, 2008, 04:10:20 pm

Good jokes, I'll post some later but they may be a bit explicit :P

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on June 06, 2008, 04:36:58 pm

loool apart from mine all of these jokes are about sex




pervs! :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on June 07, 2008, 07:23:55 pm

lol

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What do you call a street with no Kosovans, no Pakis, no Poles, no Niggers, no Arabs and no Muslims?
Fucking quality street!

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Found a parrot the other day, it keeps saying "Fuck off you ugly bastard"?
Not yours is it?

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A little jew boy wasn't allowed to join Liverpool Supporters Club because he was circumsized......
apparrantly you need to be a complete dick to support Liverpool.

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Osama Bin Laden has been arrested in Wales for sheep shagging. He said that they were Is-Lambs and he could what he fucking wanted with them.

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If god made the front of a womans body, who made the back?
The Council.
Who else would put a shit hole next to a play area!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Dr.Pressure on June 07, 2008, 08:32:44 pm

Quote from: Rac3r on June 07, 2008, 07:23:55 pm

If god made the front of a womans body, who made the back?
The Council.
Who else would put a shit hole next to a play area!

I absolutely just fucking lol'd  ;D

Title: Re: I got one
Post by: [BAK]Ironman on June 08, 2008, 04:02:09 pm

I heard this one 5 years ago on the Late Night With David Letterman,David had kids come out and tell a joke,This kid was 10 years old(I think)And here is the joke he said.>>What is the different between a Snowman And Snowwoman =SNOWBALLS ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on July 12, 2008, 05:05:21 pm

A terrorist jumps up his from his seat on a plane and says "this is a hijack!" and pulls down his balaclava. He says to a guy, "Did you see my face?" . The guy says "Yes?", so the hijacker shoots him, DEAD. He turns to the next guy and asks him, "did you see my face?". The man replies "No, but my wife did."

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 12, 2008, 05:56:51 pm

if he's a terrorist he's going to be dying anyway so why would he care if anyone saw his face?

woop woop i ruined the joke yayyy

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on July 12, 2008, 06:07:26 pm

:L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on July 13, 2008, 03:13:54 pm

Quote from: mooman on June 06, 2008, 04:36:58 pm

loool apart from mine all of these jokes are about sex




pervs! :D

CHARLY THE UNICORN!!!!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Skaterkills on July 13, 2008, 09:58:26 pm

Allright, these are some story jokes, they're quite long, so if you dont feel like reading alot... meh :D

(They are all about some people doing cybersex)


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the
Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the
lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body
explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield
inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil
army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my
accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it
ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my
breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to
charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide
and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in
the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular
physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your
ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something


Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter
all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw
rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---------------

Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:K, but don't tell anybody 
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo
Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an
order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with
sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may
I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your
order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home
alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll
drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I
let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm
me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my
pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in
ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is
deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom,
I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k
------------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables...
Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along
the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn
to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your
olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 13, 2008, 10:33:05 pm

LMAO bloodninja ftw i hadn't read a few of them
here's a fake one not by bloodninja but good anyway :D

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I’m sorry. I’m just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I’m in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don’t fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I’m serious.
sweet17: I don’t get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I’m wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It’s kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren’t one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I’m not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren’t you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don’t want to send you the picture cause I’m not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren’t
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What’s your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I’m looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I’ve lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I’m not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn’t you.
bloodninja: I’ll be damned if it ain’t!
sweet17: You don’t look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy….
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won’t get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn’t have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You’ve done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn’t hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can’t believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can’t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You’d break both of his legs.
sweet17: You’re a fucking wanker!
sweet17: I’ve been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don’t even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I’m sorry.
sweet17: No you aren’t
bloodninja: You’re right. I’m not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I’m done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I’m sorry.
sweet17: I’m putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I’ll eat your kitty
sweet17: You’ll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I’d eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn’t get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I’d like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I’m not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don’t know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I’m afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn’t that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won’t do it if you don’t want me to
sweet17: I didn’t say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp… you say “HARRRR!!!”
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can’t be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It’s my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you’ll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh …going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: …still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple…
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin…
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: …going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 13, 2008, 10:45:05 pm

loooool found some more bloodninja


<Wellhung>   Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
<Sweetheart>   I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
<Wellhung>   I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
<Sweetheart>   I want you.Would you like to screw me?
<Wellhung>   OK
<Sweetheart>   We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
<Wellhung>   I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
<Sweetheart>   I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
<Wellhung>   Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
<Sweetheart>   I'm moaning softly.
<Wellhung>   I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
<Sweetheart>   I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
<Wellhung>   My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
<Sweetheart>   That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
<Wellhung>   I'll pay for it.
<Sweetheart>   Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
<Wellhung>   I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
<Sweetheart>   I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
<Wellhung>   How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
<Sweetheart>   I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
<Wellhung>   I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
<Sweetheart>   I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
<Wellhung>   I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
<Sweetheart>   What?
<Wellhung>   I'm so sorry. Really.
<Sweetheart>   I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
<Wellhung>   I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
<Sweetheart>   OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
<Wellhung>   I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
<Sweetheart>   I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
<Wellhung>   I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
<Sweetheart>   What's the matter?
<Wellhung>   I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
<Sweetheart>   Are you OK?
<Wellhung>   I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
<Sweetheart>   Can I help?
<Wellhung>   I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
<Sweetheart>   In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
<Wellhung>   I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
<Sweetheart>   Come back to me, lover.
<Wellhung>   I'm washing the cup now.
<Sweetheart>   I'm on the bed arching for you.
<Wellhung>   I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
<Sweetheart>   Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
<Wellhung>   I found it.
<Sweetheart>   I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
<Wellhung>   Me too.
<Sweetheart>   Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
<Wellhung>   Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
<Sweetheart>   Why don't you take off your glasses?
<Wellhung>   OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
<Sweetheart>   I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
<Wellhung>   I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
<Sweetheart>   Hurry back, lover.
<Wellhung>   I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
<Sweetheart>   I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
<Wellhung>   I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
<Sweetheart>   What's the matter now?
<Wellhung>   I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
<Sweetheart>   Mmm, yes. Come on.
<Wellhung>   OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
<Sweetheart>   Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
<Wellhung>   I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
<Sweetheart>   I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
<Wellhung>   I'm flaccid.
<Sweetheart>   What?
<Wellhung>   I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
<Sweetheart>   I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
<Wellhung>   I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
<Sweetheart>   No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
<Wellhung>   No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
<Sweetheart>   I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
<Wellhung>   I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
<Sweetheart>   Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
<Wellhung>   Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 13, 2008, 10:51:49 pm

<Partner6>   So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
<J-Doggg>   Yeah, J for Julie.
<Partner6>   So whats with the "Dogg"
<J-Doggg>   Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
<Partner6>   Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
<J-Doggg>   Yeah like I got 6 guns.
<Partner6>   Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
<J-Doggg>   hehe, of course baby.
<Partner6>   I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
<J-Doggg>   Ohh, it's so big.
<Partner6>   Yeah, what you want to do?
<J-Doggg>   Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
<Partner6>   It likes that.
<J-Doggg>   aight.
<Partner6>   Keep talking to me baby...
<J-Doggg>   I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
<Partner6>   Mmmm, daddy like.
<J-Doggg>   I unzip my pants...
<Partner6>   Yes, show me what you got.
<J-Doggg>   I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
<Partner6>   WTF?!
<J-Doggg>   Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
<Partner6>   I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...
<J-Doggg>   Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
<Partner6>   You dipshit.
<J-Doggg>   I whimper to myself...
<J-Doggg>   please don't shoot me Mr.

lol

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Skaterkills on July 14, 2008, 09:40:58 am

Lmfao I never read that last one  ;D

thats a good one :D  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 15, 2008, 06:10:39 pm

[21:25] [chat] [Julos]: mooman from?
[21:25] [chat] [ACE]: lol
[21:25] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: really??
[21:25] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: xD
[21:25] [chat] [mooman]: i'm from alaska
[21:25] [chat] [Julos]: RLY?
[21:25] [chat] [mooman]: yeah we're having a heatwave :D
[21:25] [chat] [Andy]: lol :L
[21:25] [chat] [Julos]: are you an escimo?
[21:26] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: good race
[21:26] [chat] [Julos]: dunno how to write in english
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: igloo
[21:26] [chat] [Andy]: escimo pussy
[21:26] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: ?
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: is mighty cold
[21:26] [chat] [Andy]: :L
[21:26] [chat] [Julos]: you ahve an igloo?
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: yeah but its made of glass
[21:26] [chat] [Julos]: why
[21:26] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: lol
[21:26] [chat] [ACE]: :o
[21:26] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: wow!!!!
[21:26] [chat] [ACE]: isnt that dangerous?
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: cos snow isnt very strong
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: nah its bulletproof glass
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: ahhhh
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: i was just thingking
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: what if u were asleep and someone throws a brick at it
[21:27] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: yeah 4 gorillas....
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: u have central heating in ya glass?
[21:27] [chat] [mooman]: it bounces off lol
[21:27] [chat] [mooman]: yea
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: u are in ur igloo now?
[21:27] [chat] [mooman]: of course i dont go on my computer outside
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: LOL
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: wat about transport?
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: how big is ur igloo :S
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: sledges
[21:28] [chat] [ACE]: kl
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: my igloo is massive cos land is very cheap here
[21:28] [chat] [Julos]: how old are you?
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: 9
[21:28] [chat] [Julos]: 9 or 19?
[21:28] [chat] [Andy]: :L
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: 9
[21:29] [chat] [Julos]: lol
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: almost 10!
[21:29] [chat] [ACE]: how olds the igloo?
[21:29] [chat] [Julos]: u have ur own igloo?
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: centuries old
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: no my whole eskimo family live in it
[21:29] [chat] [Julos]: do you go hunt for seals?
[21:29] [chat] [ReminCzech]: me loving extreme race
[21:29] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: ma dio canaglia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: and polar bears
[21:29] [chat] [Andy]: :L
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: its how we survive
[21:29] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: uha lo voglio pure io iglu
[21:30] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: aha
[21:30] [chat] [ACE]: whos ur electricity supplier - and do u have gas?
[21:30] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: ci credi?????????????????
[21:30] [chat] [Andy]: LOL JAL
[21:30] [chat] [Julos]: ill make some gas haha
[21:30] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: boh
[21:30] [chat] [Andy]: lmao
[21:30] [chat] [mooman]: we are on the edge of the electricty supply zone luckily
[21:30] [chat] [drfreeman]: weee 1 place!!!!
[21:30] [chat] [Jalicno]: rambo knife xD
[21:30] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: ma esistono
[21:30] [chat] [mooman]: but no gas
[21:30] [chat] [Julos]: do you have tennis rackets under ur shoes/
[21:31] [chat] [mooman]: no the snow is strong enough to hold us
[21:31] [chat] [Andy]: moo
[21:31] [chat] [Julos]: do you have a sleigh with dogs?
[21:31] [chat] [mooman]: no the sleigh is attached to a reindeer
[21:31] [chat] [Andy]: i just noticed another one of my races isnt in the score list
[21:31] [chat] [Julos]: a mose?
[21:32] [chat] [Julos]: moose
[21:32] [chat] [mooman]: like a moose but with horns
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: A raindeer, and he is red name = santa!!!!
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: :) :)
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: :o
[21:32] [chat] [mooman]: nah we named him rudy
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: no ur santa! i know it
[21:32] [chat] [Julos]: and do you make a hole in the ice to fish?d
[21:32] [chat] [mooman]: yeah
[21:33] [chat] [mooman]: stop interviewing me lol
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: wats ur clostest store?
[21:33] [chat] [mooman]: need to race
[21:33] [chat] [Julos]: no its fun to meet an eskimo lol
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: well its not often we talk to eskimos!
[21:33] [chat] [Julos]: im from NL
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: and i wanna know everythink!
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: im from UK :)
[21:33] [chat] [Julos]: wanna know how drugs and ho's are?
[21:34] [chat] [ACE]: well i dont - mainly know all about it lol
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: we've got lots of drugs here
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: really?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: its the only way to make it through the day
[21:34] [chat] [ACE]: many hos?
[21:34] [chat] [R3activ3]: how to get car*
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: no :(
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: mooman you use drugs?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: all day
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: what kind?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: snow
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: lol
[21:35] [chat] [Julos]: can i give you a hint?
[21:35] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: io vado mi sono rotto ciaoooooooooooooooooooooo
[21:35] [chat] [mooman]: sure
[21:35] [chat] [Julos]: never eat yellow snow
[21:35] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: bye all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[21:35] [chat] [ACE]: elo Mafia
[21:35] [chat] [mooman]: lemon snow?
[21:35] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: hi
[21:35] [chat] [ACE]: :) ive never seen a JOKER here till u :o
[21:35] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: XD
[21:36] [chat] [mooman]: anway ive gota go to bed its really cold here -60 celsius so i cant stay on the pc
[21:36] [chat] [[P]Grim]: LOL
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: so . . . .  . 30seconds
[21:36] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: yup
[21:36] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: :P
[21:36] [chat] [Julos]: wait
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: :o ok bye bye
[21:36] [chat] [[2F2F]Myth]: huh where the hell are u?
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: ;)
[21:36] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: chow
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: not me lol
[21:36] [chat] [[2F2F]Myth]: with your -60
[21:36] [chat] [Julos]: in alaska
[21:36] [chat] [Julos]: he is an eskimo
[21:36] [chat] [[P]Grim]: wtf
[21:37] [chat] [[P]Grim]: :(
[21:37] [chat] [Shao_Khan]: wtf?
[21:37] [chat] [Andy]: this should be on the list
[21:37] [chat] [[2F2F]Myth]: lol
[21:37] [chat] [drfreeman]: wtf
[21:37] [chat] [Andy]: ffs

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Skaterkills on July 15, 2008, 06:59:14 pm

LMFAO

Thats just awesome  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Adj on July 15, 2008, 07:29:34 pm

Hahaha awesome :P

[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: mooman you use drugs?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: all day
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: what kind?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: snow

omg  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on July 16, 2008, 07:36:00 am

-60 degree celsius lmfaooooooooooooo

coldest i know is -40 C at the peak of everest, and i had a friend who went on a cruise at alaska, he said it was -20 to -30 C there :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 16, 2008, 07:39:23 am

cruise to alaska? maybe he saw me :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on July 16, 2008, 12:06:51 pm

:L :L

maybe he did... he told me they went thru some ice burgzz... probably smashed ur igloo :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Skaterkills on July 16, 2008, 01:04:30 pm

You should have said your nextdoor neighbour is a penguin you call Hank  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Cristhop3r on July 25, 2008, 07:30:06 pm

Quote from: mooman on July 15, 2008, 06:10:39 pm

[21:25] [chat] [Julos]: mooman from?
[21:25] [chat] [ACE]: lol
[21:25] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: really??
[21:25] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: xD
[21:25] [chat] [mooman]: i'm from alaska
[21:25] [chat] [Julos]: RLY?
[21:25] [chat] [mooman]: yeah we're having a heatwave :D
[21:25] [chat] [Andy]: lol :L
[21:25] [chat] [Julos]: are you an escimo?
[21:26] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: good race
[21:26] [chat] [Julos]: dunno how to write in english
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: igloo
[21:26] [chat] [Andy]: escimo pussy
[21:26] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: ?
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: is mighty cold
[21:26] [chat] [Andy]: :L
[21:26] [chat] [Julos]: you ahve an igloo?
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: yeah but its made of glass
[21:26] [chat] [Julos]: why
[21:26] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: lol
[21:26] [chat] [ACE]: :o
[21:26] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: wow!!!!
[21:26] [chat] [ACE]: isnt that dangerous?
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: cos snow isnt very strong
[21:26] [chat] [mooman]: nah its bulletproof glass
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: ahhhh
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: i was just thingking
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: what if u were asleep and someone throws a brick at it
[21:27] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: yeah 4 gorillas....
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: u have central heating in ya glass?
[21:27] [chat] [mooman]: it bounces off lol
[21:27] [chat] [mooman]: yea
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: u are in ur igloo now?
[21:27] [chat] [mooman]: of course i dont go on my computer outside
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: LOL
[21:27] [chat] [ACE]: wat about transport?
[21:27] [chat] [Julos]: how big is ur igloo :S
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: sledges
[21:28] [chat] [ACE]: kl
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: my igloo is massive cos land is very cheap here
[21:28] [chat] [Julos]: how old are you?
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: 9
[21:28] [chat] [Julos]: 9 or 19?
[21:28] [chat] [Andy]: :L
[21:28] [chat] [mooman]: 9
[21:29] [chat] [Julos]: lol
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: almost 10!
[21:29] [chat] [ACE]: how olds the igloo?
[21:29] [chat] [Julos]: u have ur own igloo?
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: centuries old
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: no my whole eskimo family live in it
[21:29] [chat] [Julos]: do you go hunt for seals?
[21:29] [chat] [ReminCzech]: me loving extreme race
[21:29] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: ma dio canaglia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: and polar bears
[21:29] [chat] [Andy]: :L
[21:29] [chat] [mooman]: its how we survive
[21:29] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: uha lo voglio pure io iglu
[21:30] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: aha
[21:30] [chat] [ACE]: whos ur electricity supplier - and do u have gas?
[21:30] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: ci credi?????????????????
[21:30] [chat] [Andy]: LOL JAL
[21:30] [chat] [Julos]: ill make some gas haha
[21:30] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: boh
[21:30] [chat] [Andy]: lmao
[21:30] [chat] [mooman]: we are on the edge of the electricty supply zone luckily
[21:30] [chat] [drfreeman]: weee 1 place!!!!
[21:30] [chat] [Jalicno]: rambo knife xD
[21:30] [chat] [[ITA]Scorpion]: ma esistono
[21:30] [chat] [mooman]: but no gas
[21:30] [chat] [Julos]: do you have tennis rackets under ur shoes/
[21:31] [chat] [mooman]: no the snow is strong enough to hold us
[21:31] [chat] [Andy]: moo
[21:31] [chat] [Julos]: do you have a sleigh with dogs?
[21:31] [chat] [mooman]: no the sleigh is attached to a reindeer
[21:31] [chat] [Andy]: i just noticed another one of my races isnt in the score list
[21:31] [chat] [Julos]: a mose?
[21:32] [chat] [Julos]: moose
[21:32] [chat] [mooman]: like a moose but with horns
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: A raindeer, and he is red name = santa!!!!
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: :) :)
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: :o
[21:32] [chat] [mooman]: nah we named him rudy
[21:32] [chat] [ACE]: no ur santa! i know it
[21:32] [chat] [Julos]: and do you make a hole in the ice to fish?d
[21:32] [chat] [mooman]: yeah
[21:33] [chat] [mooman]: stop interviewing me lol
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: wats ur clostest store?
[21:33] [chat] [mooman]: need to race
[21:33] [chat] [Julos]: no its fun to meet an eskimo lol
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: well its not often we talk to eskimos!
[21:33] [chat] [Julos]: im from NL
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: and i wanna know everythink!
[21:33] [chat] [ACE]: im from UK :)
[21:33] [chat] [Julos]: wanna know how drugs and ho's are?
[21:34] [chat] [ACE]: well i dont - mainly know all about it lol
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: we've got lots of drugs here
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: really?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: its the only way to make it through the day
[21:34] [chat] [ACE]: many hos?
[21:34] [chat] [R3activ3]: how to get car*
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: no :(
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: mooman you use drugs?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: all day
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: what kind?
[21:34] [chat] [mooman]: snow
[21:34] [chat] [Julos]: lol
[21:35] [chat] [Julos]: can i give you a hint?
[21:35] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: io vado mi sono rotto ciaoooooooooooooooooooooo
[21:35] [chat] [mooman]: sure
[21:35] [chat] [Julos]: never eat yellow snow
[21:35] [chat] [[FaM]Razor]: bye all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[21:35] [chat] [ACE]: elo Mafia
[21:35] [chat] [mooman]: lemon snow?
[21:35] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: hi
[21:35] [chat] [ACE]: :) ive never seen a JOKER here till u :o
[21:35] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: XD
[21:36] [chat] [mooman]: anway ive gota go to bed its really cold here -60 celsius so i cant stay on the pc
[21:36] [chat] [[P]Grim]: LOL
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: so . . . .  . 30seconds
[21:36] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: yup
[21:36] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: :P
[21:36] [chat] [Julos]: wait
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: :o ok bye bye
[21:36] [chat] [[2F2F]Myth]: huh where the hell are u?
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: ;)
[21:36] [chat] [[JOKER]Mafia]: chow
[21:36] [chat] [ACE]: not me lol
[21:36] [chat] [[2F2F]Myth]: with your -60
[21:36] [chat] [Julos]: in alaska
[21:36] [chat] [Julos]: he is an eskimo
[21:36] [chat] [[P]Grim]: wtf
[21:37] [chat] [[P]Grim]: :(
[21:37] [chat] [Shao_Khan]: wtf?
[21:37] [chat] [Andy]: this should be on the list
[21:37] [chat] [[2F2F]Myth]: lol
[21:37] [chat] [drfreeman]: wtf
[21:37] [chat] [Andy]: ffs

Wow that appeared like SPAWNING lol

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: DaveID on July 25, 2008, 08:09:50 pm

lemon snow

ROFL.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on July 27, 2008, 10:37:41 am

"How to EASILY move on from a breakup in just one single step! Guaranteed!"

This works like a charm, I promise. I just moved on from a breakup in THREE DAYS and I had a relationship with this girl for almost 2 years now before the breakup.

My tip? Whenever you remember your Ex just say to yourself "OK punk! If you remember her again I swear kuntico will give you another blowjob!"

....it worked for me XD!!!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on July 27, 2008, 10:38:56 am

lol I will try it :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: DaveID on July 28, 2008, 07:04:29 am

(http://www.subtire.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/cfl5uhhqdddc.jpg)

Counter Strike as 'Typical summer activity', lol. Can someone change text to samp? R3t4rd? xD.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on July 28, 2008, 09:24:27 am

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee318/R3t4Rd313/cfl5uhhqdddc.jpg)

:L :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: DaveID on July 28, 2008, 09:45:15 am

Hahaha, nice! This should be an official SA-MP commercial, with the text:
"Save your skin with our new TanOil, which is totally free!" :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on July 28, 2008, 11:02:44 am

OK I think this activity is WAAAAAAY better than samp.......

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee318/R3t4Rd313/cfl5uhhqdddc-1.jpg)

I think the guy had fun summer-round while "breaking the sheets" under the summer heat :L :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: DaveID on July 28, 2008, 01:47:27 pm

Heh, nice. But why is his mouth brown, if he licked pussy? Or he used the brown parts of his body? :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on July 29, 2008, 09:07:59 am

Quote from: DaveID on July 28, 2008, 01:47:27 pm

Heh, nice. But why is his mouth brown, if he licked pussy? Or he used the brown parts of his body? :D

he wore a gimp suit that only exposed organs needed for fun :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on August 22, 2008, 11:39:33 pm

Knutico invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Knutico's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Knuticos' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Knutico and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Knutico volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Slash and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Slash came to Knutico and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Knutico said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Knutico received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Slash, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Slash. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 :-* :o 8) :P ;D :D ;) :)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on August 22, 2008, 11:47:32 pm

loooooooool

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on August 23, 2008, 12:11:16 am

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on August 23, 2008, 06:04:02 am

LMFAO, good one. :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 07, 2009, 10:32:12 am

Quote

Warning: this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days.
Unless you're sure you want to reply, please consider starting a new topic.

BUMP lol. I need a laugh, anyone? :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on May 07, 2009, 11:40:50 am

 ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on May 07, 2009, 09:22:16 pm

we ran out of jokes  :'(

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 08, 2009, 12:06:20 am

 :'(

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on May 08, 2009, 05:32:16 am

Someone once said that when a black man becomes president, pigs would fly.
Sure enough, 100 days later, Swine Flew!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on May 08, 2009, 06:26:49 am

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 08, 2009, 06:32:17 am

rofl

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on May 08, 2009, 08:41:52 am

 ;D ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on May 08, 2009, 09:14:01 am

lol  :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 08, 2009, 11:25:41 am

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on May 08, 2009, 11:45:48 am

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 09, 2009, 01:02:28 am

(http://puntabulous.com/wp-content/poohswineflu.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on May 09, 2009, 08:27:54 am

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on May 09, 2009, 09:04:26 am

hahaha  ;D
more if you have  :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on June 15, 2009, 08:10:30 am

While playing GTA IV:

"I like to stalk people.

Follow them everywhere they go. They get in a cab or car, I'll follow behind them slowly at a pace equal to theirs, always 2 cars length behind them. They get a hot dog, I get a hot dog, etc.

While doing this one day I came across a couple. A dark haired man with medium length hair, and this girl who had gorgeous long blond hair.

I followed this couple for miles, from Alderney City to the bright neon lights of Star Junction, they were seemingly happy, joyful, in love with one another. The man cared for his girlfriend, and the girlfriend cared for her boyfriend.

They ate happily together, always eating hot dogs, taking in the city. Always staring into each others eyes with deep glee and happiness. I had never seen so much love between two people. I cared for these two as much as they cared for each other. I would do as much as I could to make sure nothing would ever happen to them. Going ahead of them a bit and beating up hobos, walking in traffic ahead of them to make sure if a car were to come I would take it for them, and any other nuisance there could be.

Then it happened. After watching them stare at a giant ad in the Star Junction I realized something. I am alone. No one. Michelle was long gone for something I do not wish to bring up. Kiki dumped me when she found out I had been having intercourse with hookers then bashing their heads in with a baseball bat to gain my money back. Carmen never called me again after our first date, mostly due to me pushing her down a set of subway stairs, then stomping her head into the steps. I never tried any other woman due to me thinking it was pointless at this point. I began to feel sad.

I thought to myself, "Why can that man not be me?" "Is he any better than me?" "Why wouldn't she think of dating me? Get some coffee, even at least TALK TO ME?" I wanted her. I wanted this mysterious blond with the looks of an angel, and the laugh of a child. I wanted to be that man, I wanted to have what he had, to know that joy of having somebody care for your own well being. I was jealous of the man. I wanted that I could not have, that I desired for so much. The longer I watched them, the longer I wanted to become him, at any cost. I then felt remorse. Saddened of what I had become, a lonesome man stalking random pedestrians. But when the thought of this man touching her, kissing her, loving her... the thought of remorse was thrown to the back of my head as if I had never thought it.

I set forth a plan. I would kill him. Take up my new identity as him. And me and the blond would live happily together forever.

John and Sara(This is the name I have given them) hail for a taxi and enter one. This was my chance. My moment of truth was here, I could set forth and become what I craved and desired to be. I got in front of the taxi that the couple was in. I pulled the driver out of the cab and killed him in cold blood. The man stepped out, he was ready to kill me. He lusted for blood, the blood of me. I know what I had to do. I empty my shotgun in his face, the man formerly known as John is dead. He is no more, this chapter of his life has ended and mine starts. I am now who I always wanted too be. I steal the taxi and drive away with his wife/girlfriend in the back.

I had never been so happy in my life! Then...

Screaming.

She screams.

She wants out.

She doesn't want me.

She fears me, hates me, loathes me. She feels everything towards me, but still does not love me.

How could this happen? Why does she not love me? Is there something wrong with me? What could I have done?

I'm thrown into a maelstrom of feelings, mostly guilt, and hatred towards my self. But most of all sadness. She doesn't want me, those words kept ringing in my head.

I knew what I had to do. I drive her whilst her screaming like a banshee. I reach my destination. The cliff next to Mikhail Faustin's house. If you've ever seen this part of the game there are rocks and old cars that seems from the '50s, and '60s at the bottom.

I rev my engine. She screams even louder. I drive faster, faster, and faster. Her death curling scream gets louder, louder, and louder.

We fly off the edge.

Everything is then silent for a mere second. This second feels like an eternity. I know what I am doing, I feel no regret. I am also for the first time in a long time; happy.

We both plummet to the bottom and die instantaneously. They will never know who killed John, or the cab driver Shafeeq. They will never find the body of Sara or Niko Bellic. The ocean mixed with gasoline fueled fire will ruin any traces of our pasts or future.

I then revive at a hospital and steal a Blista Compact and go bowling with Roman."

_{Taken from: http://www.thegtaplace.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=18686 (http://www.thegtaplace.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=18686)}

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sharp on June 15, 2009, 01:39:52 pm

Hi i can hack your ports,then attack your pc and make your fan go backwards

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on June 15, 2009, 02:38:51 pm

Quote from: Sharp on June 15, 2009, 01:39:52 pm

Hi i can hack your ports,then attack your pc and make your fan go backwards

rite ;_;

and I can make your mum go backwards so she can gimme a nice blow :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on June 15, 2009, 05:29:39 pm

Go backwards, haha :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ﱡ קּﻰﺢ Love on June 15, 2009, 08:06:49 pm

Nice pessimist story man liked it. ^^

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on June 26, 2009, 04:20:29 pm

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?
Alex Ferguson will be playing giggs next season!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on June 26, 2009, 04:45:42 pm

:(

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on June 26, 2009, 07:24:18 pm

He wanted to be white... Oh please, wtf ? You just can't change your skin color :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on June 26, 2009, 10:01:36 pm

argh show some respect, he was a music legend

and he had a skin disease thats why he has white skin!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on October 29, 2009, 07:42:26 am

Fringe Benefits Cafe:

"Our love is like obese, it's not working out."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on October 29, 2009, 10:32:29 am

rofl

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Sighmoan on October 29, 2009, 10:44:36 am

Quote from: Snoopy on June 26, 2009, 10:01:36 pm

argh show some respect, he was a music legend

and he had a skin disease thats why he has white skin!

You going to watch the film?

And a joke:

Why did everyone like Mr Mushroom?

Because he is a fungi.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on October 29, 2009, 11:18:37 am

haha :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thrasher on October 31, 2009, 05:57:55 pm

Quote from: [UK]Rac3r on June 06, 2008, 06:05:52 am

Family driving behind a dustbin lorry when a large dildo flys out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns to her young kinds and says "That was a big insect". To which her 7 yeard son says "I'm suprised it could fly with a cock that size".

---

Zoo keeper says to Knutico "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you concider shagging it for £500?". Knutico replies "I will on three conditions, ONE my family don't find out. TWO I don't have to kiss it, THREE I need a couple of weeks to get the money together".

:L :L :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on November 04, 2009, 11:56:15 am

What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on November 04, 2009, 02:14:34 pm

Good one :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on December 04, 2009, 03:06:47 pm

Why do babies cry when they are born?
 -Because they know they've come on a world where Chuck Norris lives.

Chuck Norris visited Mars once. Since then there are no signs of life there.

A cobra once bit Chuck Norris in his leg. After 5 days of agonising pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris's speciality: Choking with cordless phone.

Only Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on December 04, 2009, 04:05:17 pm

Look at my horse; my horse is amazing.
Give it a lick.
MMMmm! It tastes just like raisins!
Have a stroke of its mane,
it turns into a plane,
and then it turns back again when you tug on its winky.
Oooo thats dirty!
Do you think so?
Well I better not show you where the lemonade is made -
Sweet lemonade, mmmm sweet lemonade.
Sweet lemonade, yeah sweet lemonade.
Get on my horse Ill take you round the universe -
and all the other places, too.
I think youll find that the universe pretty much covers everything.
Shut up woman, get on my horse.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on December 04, 2009, 04:08:04 pm

hah :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on December 12, 2009, 05:30:03 pm

Weird english from all around the world.

On a restaurant menu in Vienna:
Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep.

In a fur shop in Sweden:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

From a russian newspaper:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In a Bucharest hotel:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages!

In a Bangkok drycleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.

In a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

From an east african newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

On a medicine bottle:
Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Sighmoan on December 14, 2009, 02:23:52 pm

Who is the coolest guy in hospital?

The Ultra Sound guy.

When he is on holiday who fills in for him?

The Hip Replacement guy.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on January 01, 2010, 12:37:19 pm

Quote

[20:17] <skunk> what is going down???
[20:17] <skunk> tserver didnt respond
[20:17] <skunk> haaaaaaloooooooooo
[20:17] <Blister> Yes
[20:17] <Blister> Down
[20:18] <skunk> when server will be avaible???
[20:19] <Blister> I don't know
[20:19] <Blister> It will be back when it will ^^
[20:20] <skunk> :)
[20:21] <skunk> server is too high because bob marley's ghost is smoking in server

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [AK47]skunk on January 01, 2010, 12:48:37 pm

:(

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [AK47]M4lysz on January 01, 2010, 01:27:25 pm

haha i found picture of f4lcon after sex  ;D


(http://files.uploadffs.com/c/6/c3ba6de4/fatladyontop.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on January 01, 2010, 01:39:19 pm

she got tired :( poor me i couldn't breathe :'(

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on January 07, 2010, 07:38:54 pm

The Darwin Awards ftw! :L
http://darwinawards.com/

Quote

(mid-1980s, Tennessee) A mile down the road from Middle Tennessee State University, a couple of young, very drunk MTSU frat boys climbed a barbed wire fence that was intended to keep lesser mortals out of an electric substation. One frat boy climbed to the top of a transformer. That alone was an obviously bad idea, but it got worse when he urinated on the transformer on which he stood. As if electrocution via genitalia wasn't bad enough, consider his motivation to pee: a wasp nest "target" attached to the transformer. Needless to say, the wasps were the lesser of his worries. He did not live long.

Quote

(28 July 2007, Czech Republic) A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on January 07, 2010, 08:57:03 pm

hahaha yeh darwin awards pwn :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on January 12, 2010, 10:21:49 am

Everyone has photographic memory, some don’t have film.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

Once I saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.

If you are completely buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and spit in it. The saliva will fall down, giving you an idea of which direction is up. Dig up.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on January 12, 2010, 06:30:00 pm

haha good ones :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on April 10, 2010, 05:31:11 am

(http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/9066/herpesc.jpg)

---

A father and son are talking about sex. The son asks his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Um, before sex", the son replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

---

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? A blender. How do you get 100 babies out of a blender? Tortilla chips of course!

---

What's brown and gurgles?

A baby in a casserole.

---

How do you trap an elephant?
1) Dig a big hole in the ground
2) Fill the hole with ashes
3) Put peas all around the edge of the ash filled hole

Now when an elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

---

How much babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

---

At marriage functions old people used to pull my cheeks & say "YOU'RE NEXT". Now they have stopped it.

WHY?

'coz I started doing the same thing with them at the funerals.

---

While creating "gals" God promised boys that good & ideal girlfriends will be found in all the corners of the world.





Then he made the Earth Round...

---

Whats red and sits in the corner? A baby with razor blades.

---

What's worse than a 10 babies nailed to a tree? 1 baby nailed to 10 trees.

---

You know what's gross?

Two vampires fighting over a used kotex.

---

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on April 10, 2010, 10:28:00 am

Quote from: falky on April 10, 2010, 05:31:11 am

At marriage functions old people used to pull my cheeks & say "YOU'RE NEXT". Now they have stopped it.

WHY?

'coz I started doing the same thing with them at the funerals.

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on April 10, 2010, 10:59:29 am

looool

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [UK]SheepFucka on April 10, 2010, 11:33:07 am

"How much babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them"

omg falky thats terrible! :o

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ﱡ קּﻰﺢ Love on April 17, 2010, 12:24:48 am

While creating "gals" God promised boys that good & ideal girlfriends will be found in all the corners of the world.





Then he made the Earth Round...

lol

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Epoxi on April 23, 2010, 05:15:15 pm

What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and an Icelandic volcano?
The volcano's still blowing Ash.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on April 23, 2010, 05:38:48 pm

:L

How many immigrants does it take to power a power plant?

One every 5 minutes

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Epoxi on April 24, 2010, 10:06:37 pm

falky's damn baby 'jokes' always make me retch.

It would be alright if they were funny, because then I at least wouldn't form the mental image.

Quote

I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.

It was absolute carnage.

Quote

'Page 3 Girl In Skin Cancer Scare'.


That's the downside to exposing yourself to the sun on a regular basis.

Quote

Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.

Quote

A girl just walked past me who was so pretty I forgot to look at her tits.

Quote

I was flicking through my freeview to see what was on the tv this evening and was appalled when I saw the program "Jade : A Year Without Her."
I couldn't believe how badly they had spelt Hair.

Quote

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although I've never heard the wife moan.

Quote

What did the confused Magnesium Oxide say?

OMg

Quote

I don't know what the Polish are all crying about. They can easily get a new cabinet in IKEA

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on April 25, 2010, 05:53:53 am

:L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on April 25, 2010, 08:27:10 am

Liked The Sun breast cancer one lol

Good one's

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on April 26, 2010, 03:22:22 pm

10. Yo Momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please.

9. Yo Momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.

8. Yo Momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.

7. Yo Momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

6. Yo Momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.

5. Yo Momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.

4. Yo Momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

3. Yo Momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell.

2. Yo Momma so fat she's on both sides of the family.

1. Yo Momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out оf George Washington's nose.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on April 26, 2010, 03:29:36 pm

Quote from: DoodLez on April 26, 2010, 03:22:22 pm

6. Yo Momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
3. Yo Momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell.

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on April 27, 2010, 05:12:37 am

lmfao

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on May 03, 2010, 03:14:09 pm

Dear John,

I hope you will be able to help me. One day I let my husband watch TV and I went to work. When I was 3 miles far from my home, my car suddenly stopped. I had to come back for my husband and ask him for help. When I arrived I couldn't believe what I saw. He was in bed with our neighbour's daughter. I am 32 years old, my husband is 34 and she's 19.
We have lived together for 10 years. My husband confessed to me that they love each other for more than 6 months. He doesn't want go to a marriage counselling service with me. I'm totally down. Please, help me!

Marry

Dear Marry,

The fact that your car broke down after such a short journey can be caused by many causes.
First check if there is a clogged fuel supply. If not, check all connections leading to the engine. Also check the cables including grounding. If there is no problem, you need to check the fuel pump if it isn't damaged and gives the correct amount of fuel.
I hope I helped you.

John

---------------------------------------------------------

A patrolman stops a car that went over 150 kph in a city and says: "Good morning, show me your driving license please." "I don't have it, your colleagues took it from me a while ago when I was caught drunk." "So show me your certificate of roadworthiness." "What? I don't have it either. I was so drunk that I even didn't know where I stole this car.." "This car has been stolen?!!"
"Yes, but wait a sec, I'll look into the case, I think I've seen something in there when I was hiding my pistol." "What pistol??" "The pistol that I used to kill the fucking owner of this car when he didn't want to go out. If you want to see his corpse, it's back in the boot..."
The patrolman immediately calls the storm troops. They come in no time, jump out, encircle the car, the boss comes to the driver and says: "Your driving license!"
"Here it is."
"The certificate of roadworthiness!"
"Here.."
"May I have a look into the case?"
"Sure." (No pistol of course)
"Can you please open the trunk?"
No corpse of course.
"Now I'm quite confused. The collegaue told me you are driving drunk, without papers, in a stolen car, with a pistol and with a corpse inside the boot..."
"That's great, and I bet that now you will accuse me of fast driving..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Carl comes to his friend George, who can't walk and has a wheelchair. They sit in the living room and talking. In the evening it's getting cold and George asks Carl for mufflers that are upstairs. He gladly agrees and goes into the room. He finds there two George's daughters, 17 and 19 years old. They are wearing only panties. Carl is delightedly eying them and answers their question what he is doing there: "Your dad told me that I can have a sex with both of you." The scared girls just look at each other and say: "That's not possible, our daddy wouldn't ever say such a thing!" "So you don't believe me?", he asks and opens the door: "George, both of them?" They can hear him from downstairs saying: "Yes, yes, Carl, both of them!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband sits over 2 hours in a corridor in front of a surgery. After a very long time the door opens and a tired, sad surgeon goes to him.. Slowly he sits next to the heart-broken husband and quietly tells him. "We did what we could but your wife has fell into a coma..." Husband just stiffs on his chair and asks: "So what am I going to do now??"
Doctor says: "You will have to take care of her every day... turn her over so she doesn't have bed sore, feed her with a tube, change her napkins when she urinate and wash her when she poo herself... You will have to say nice words to her because it's possible that she still percieves and she can wake up in 20 years, smile on you and then fall into a coma again...."
Husband's face has turned white.. The doctor just claps on his back and says: "Don't worry, I'm just kidding... of course she's died!"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ﱡ קּﻰﺢ Love on May 04, 2010, 12:22:26 am

Carl comes to his friend George, who can't walk and has a wheelchair. They sit in the living room and talking. In the evening it's getting cold and George asks Carl for mufflers that are upstairs. He gladly agrees and goes into the room. He finds there two George's daughters, 17 and 19 years old. They are wearing only panties. Carl is delightedly eying them and answers their question what he is doing there: "Your dad told me that I can have a sex with both of you." The scared girls just look at each other and say: "That's not possible, our daddy wouldn't ever say such a thing!" "So you don't believe me?", he asks and opens the door: "George, both of them?" They can hear him from downstairs saying: "Yes, yes, Carl, both of them!"

This is ftw creativity :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 04, 2010, 03:13:44 am

xD

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on May 04, 2010, 09:27:25 am

Both of them! :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on May 05, 2010, 05:14:27 pm

lol

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on May 11, 2010, 06:55:42 pm

How does Lady GaGa like her steak? Raw, raw, aw, aw, aw

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on May 26, 2010, 12:19:37 pm

Quote from: Epoxi on April 24, 2010, 10:06:37 pm

falky's damn baby 'jokes' always make me retch.

What do you get when you break a baby's jaw?





Deep-throat.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scorpion. on May 26, 2010, 01:39:22 pm

joke does not mean ruining other people's races,  admins NOT  Have RESPECT for other ppl to race, in race IronmanNascar , There Was 3 admin on trams [Gen, mooman, Madmax], and one of them ramm me  [Gen]. You have no respect!

Bye

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gen on May 26, 2010, 01:44:03 pm

C'mon dude, it was just a joke. No need to get ramped up about it. The others took it as a joke, so why shouldn't you? :)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scorpion. on May 26, 2010, 01:48:17 pm

im honest , becouse was 1° and i lose the race for your fault :-\

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gen on May 26, 2010, 01:49:54 pm

Well, I guess I do owe you an apology. So sorry. :)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Scorpion. on May 26, 2010, 01:52:06 pm

Quote from: Gen on May 26, 2010, 01:49:54 pm

Well, I guess I do owe you an apology. So sorry. :)

apology accepted(http://www.lineameteo.it/images/smiles/difus_19.gif)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on May 26, 2010, 01:58:11 pm

=/

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on June 05, 2010, 09:45:41 pm

Nigeria vs Germany in football wont look right. (NIG-GER)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]Hellmuth on June 05, 2010, 10:11:00 pm

lmao

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on June 06, 2010, 07:35:55 am

:L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on June 09, 2010, 09:43:24 pm

Yo momma is so fat she uses the Empire state building for a dildo.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on June 13, 2010, 08:49:19 am

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

Last years hide and seek winner

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on June 20, 2010, 03:40:16 pm

What's the difference between tyres and 365 used condoms? Tyres are GOOD YEAR and condoms VERY GOOD YEAR.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on June 21, 2010, 01:25:11 am

Indeed.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Sighmoan on August 24, 2010, 12:04:35 pm

Why don't you wear boxer shorts near a Russian powerstation?


Chernobyl Fallout

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on August 26, 2010, 11:20:40 am

FML - everyday life stories

http://www.fmylife.com/ (http://www.fmylife.com/)


Today, my dad accidently called me the dog's name. Again. FML

On 08/26/2010 at 12:09am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on September 22, 2010, 01:45:53 am

MJ: Freddy, What's so delicious about having sex with fourty nine year olds?

Freddy: Tell me.

MJ: That there's fourty of them

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on September 22, 2010, 07:05:39 pm

Do you speak English?- Yes!- Name?- Abdul al-Rhazib.- Sex?...- Three to five times a week.- No, no...I mean male or female?- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mosca on September 23, 2010, 04:26:15 am

Hey i got one but someone must answer me :P
looses its fun if I say the whole thing myself.

How do you kill a purple elephant?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on September 23, 2010, 05:36:09 am

i don't know mosca, how do you kill a purple elephant?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mosca on September 23, 2010, 05:37:40 am

Just grab your special made purple-elephant-killing pistol and kill the elephant with it. ^^

Now.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on September 23, 2010, 05:52:59 am

i don't know mosca, how do you kill a yellow elephant?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Mosca on September 23, 2010, 05:56:38 am

well if you guessed that with a special made yellow-elephant-killing pistol you're wrong.

First you must grab its trunk rly hard until it turns purple... then pick your special made purple-elephant-killing pistol and kill it.  ;D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on September 23, 2010, 07:18:42 am

lol

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on September 28, 2010, 07:55:52 pm

http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/

omg this has to be most epic site :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on October 11, 2010, 09:48:23 am

I've just split up with my girlfriend after I found out she works the streets part time.

She's a traffic warden.

I've just found out that Chad Kroeger collects valuable coins.
I've also read that his most prized one was stolen and that the police are looking for it.

I hope he gets his nickel back.

sat in a bar lst nite, saw this bloke sat at the bar he had black shorts, black t-shirt and a whistle around his neck!

I thought this cunts gona kick-off in the minute!

Walkin dwn the street the other day and sum1 threw a block of cheese at my head!

I thought thats mature!

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local Kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle.

whats the worst thing about shaggin a girl with a bold fanny? putting the nappy back on

http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/03/christmas-crackers/

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on October 12, 2010, 09:55:40 am

whats the best thing about shagging 28year olds? theres 20 of them

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on October 25, 2010, 03:47:29 pm

Q: Max, what is a perfect circle?

A: Oval.

 :o :o :o :o

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on November 06, 2010, 08:21:23 pm

3 guys are in a cafe,
one says: I've got the smallest arm of the world!
another says: I've got the smallest head of the world!
last one says: I've got the smallest dick of the world!
The 3 guys go to Guinness World Records.
First one goes first and returns happy: I've really got the smallest arm in the world!
Second returns happy too: I've really got the smallest head of the world!
The last one returns angry and screams: WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on November 06, 2010, 09:01:32 pm

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Krissi on November 06, 2010, 11:26:30 pm

Three doctors were saying there best cure they made, the first one was from USA and said I Did two more arms on a man and he is the world's best piano player. Then the other one from japan says:I did one more leg on some dude and now he is the worlds fastest runner. THEN the Icelandic doctor says:Guys thats nothing!!!! I did a Cabbage on a man and now he is a MAJOR!!!!!

Litle childish but funny though

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on November 07, 2010, 01:08:58 am

dupa jasio pierdzi stasio lol wtf

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on January 01, 2011, 07:56:11 pm

Girl: I like you.
Boy: Well.. I kinda like U2.
Girl: Really?!
Boy: Yeah, it's my fav band!

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on March 04, 2011, 04:19:08 pm

How to scare your seat mate in a plane:

1 - take your laptop out of the bag

2 - slowly and calmly open it

3 - turn it on

4 - make sure that idiot is looking at the screen

5 - open your favourite browser

6 - look at the sky and close your eyes

7 - take a deep breath and open this:
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on March 04, 2011, 04:41:55 pm

omg :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: farelien on March 12, 2011, 03:30:35 am

^

 :L  :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fant0mas on March 12, 2011, 10:55:12 am

Quote from: [FSR]Phobos on March 04, 2011, 04:19:08 pm

How to scare your seat mate in a plane:

1 - take your laptop out of the bag

2 - slowly and calmly open it

3 - turn it on

4 - make sure that idiot is looking at the screen

5 - open your favourite browser

6 - look at the sky and close your eyes

7 - take a deep breath and open this:
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

(http://www.undersec.info/style_emoticons/default/LOLsign.gif)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]Hellmuth on April 24, 2011, 11:53:58 pm

buuuuuuuuuuuuuuump O0 O0 O0 O0 O0 O0 O0 O0 O0 O0

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]falky on April 28, 2011, 01:02:30 pm

"You son of a bitch," she said, "I am
trying to build a meaningful
relationship."

"You can't build it with a hammer,"
he said.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on May 13, 2011, 05:21:13 pm

BEYONCE: Hey Justin, will you sing my song?
JUSTIN BIEBER: hey,yeh sure what one?
BEYONCE: Great, 'if i was a boy'?
JUSTIN BIEBER: ....

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ǝǝǝoſ[sXɐ] on May 13, 2011, 05:22:15 pm

Owns^

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on June 20, 2011, 09:16:44 pm

Yesterday, after watching Jackass 3, I wikipedia'd Ryan Dunn and read all about his life and career. Less than 24 hours later, he died in a car accident.
I just searched Justin Bieber.
Fingers crossed

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mourad on June 20, 2011, 09:21:32 pm

haha :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on June 23, 2011, 11:22:23 pm

Saw a fat bird walking down the street today. he had a T-shirt on saying I love the HIP HOP.. I think the letters C and S must have fallen off?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on June 23, 2011, 11:52:46 pm

chip hops?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on June 23, 2011, 11:57:35 pm

:L ,,!,,

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mourad on June 24, 2011, 01:05:19 am

i thought chip shop lol fail

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on July 28, 2011, 08:15:34 am

-How to get over your fear of the dark?

-As soon as you turn the lights off, start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit. While doing it, stare at the corner and whisper, tenderly: "this is for you"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ivanduk on July 28, 2011, 09:39:33 am

Quote from: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on July 28, 2011, 08:15:34 am

-How to get over your fear of the dark?

-As soon as you turn the lights off, start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit. While doing it, stare at the corner and whisper, tenderly: "this is for you"

Casper is traumatized

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MadMax on August 06, 2011, 11:54:04 pm

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: b00tsyou on August 17, 2011, 05:08:46 am

A joke i heard in french. let's try to translate it XD.

One day, a man buy a lie detector which slaps you everytime u say a lie.

He bring it home and turn it on during the diner with his son and wife to test it.

Father : where were u this afternoon son  ?

Son : in school !

The lie detector slap him immediatly.

Son : Ok i was watching Toy Story at my friend's place.

Then he recieve another slap.

Son : Ok, it was porn.

Father (shocked) : WTF !!??u should be ashamed  i did'n't even knew what porn was at ur age !

The lie detector slap him !

Mother : lol lier ! It's really ur son !

She's slapped too !

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ush on August 17, 2011, 12:13:33 pm

loool @ max and boots :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on August 17, 2011, 04:42:29 pm

haha :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mourad on August 17, 2011, 04:44:22 pm

Quote from: MadMax on August 06, 2011, 11:54:04 pm

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

haha this one owns

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [2F2F]SNiKeRiS on August 25, 2011, 06:30:00 pm

The next time you think you're having a really bad day, imagine this: You're a siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay. You're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass....

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [LSR]Ride on August 25, 2011, 09:28:08 pm

hahahha lol snik  :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cromiell on August 30, 2011, 07:34:58 pm

An Arab at airport:
- Name?
- Abdul AlRazhib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no, I mean male or female.
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no, deer run to fast!...

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mourad on August 30, 2011, 08:10:39 pm

ROFL  :L :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [LSR]Jarol on August 30, 2011, 08:55:29 pm

Lmao nice one :L :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on August 30, 2011, 09:42:21 pm

that's epic  8)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MadMax on September 01, 2011, 10:51:42 pm

Two buckets of vomit are walking down the street, when one stops and starts crying.
"What's up with you?" asks his friend. He replies
"I was brought up around here"



A nun, three midgets, a horse and Mike Tyson walk into a bar. The barman asks
"Is this some knd of joke?"



Three brothers with unusual names are out hiking. One is called 'Bite Me', another is called 'Manners' and the third is christened 'Dog Turds'. While walking along a mountain path, Dog Turds slips and falls, injuring himself when landing 50 feet below. His brothers quickly decide that Manners should stay with him while Bite Me heads for civilization to get help. On arrivinig
in the next town he rushes to the police station.
"Quickly, please, my brother's had a terrible accident and needs help" The kindly officer tries to
reassure him.
"OK son, now calm down. We'll get some help for him. First, tell me your name"
"Bite Me" replies the boy. The officer looks concerned.
"Now son, I know you're upset, but I need you to tell me your name, OK?"
"Bite Me!" shouts the exasperated boy. The officer now looks angrily at him
"Now listen Mister, accident or none there's no need for that. Where's your manners?"
"Halfway down a cliff, picking up Dog Turds!"



There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
"How do you drive these things anyway?"



Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"



A guy walks into a bar.
"Ouch!" It was an iron bar.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Rac3r on February 28, 2012, 01:26:03 pm

Chuck Norris can tell a black joke without looking over his shoulder.

Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris landed an uppercut on a horse.

Apparently, Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, but the Grim reaper hasn't got the balls to tell him!

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

Some say Chuck Norris once had an iPhone, he stretched it with his bare hands.  He then called it the iPad.

Chuck Norris once had sex in the back of his semi-truck with a prostitute.  A single drop of semen got onto the seat and became infused with the truck.  The truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris invented black.  In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light.  Except pink, Tom cruise invented that.

Just got these on my phone, worthy of a share to the community. ;)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on February 28, 2012, 01:39:58 pm

good. need some humour around this place :)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on June 29, 2013, 02:35:33 pm

sorry meze  :(

How many gears French tanks have? 4 backwards and one forward in case, if the enemy attack from the back
 
:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ►R1d3r™ on June 29, 2013, 03:15:26 pm

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: pajk on June 29, 2013, 06:50:53 pm

How do you organize a space party?

You PLANET.
badumtss

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [FSR]Ali on June 29, 2013, 09:27:48 pm

yo mama so dumb she stuck 2 batteries up her ass and said ''I got the power.''

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Martin on June 29, 2013, 09:28:18 pm

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ►R1d3r™ on July 01, 2013, 12:18:36 pm

Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After few mins) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
 :D

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on July 04, 2013, 01:51:27 pm

Karlis mode on.

Assume that leap years begin in year 0 (they don’t, but it’s a good benchmark)
2001 is the year Half Life came out for PlayStation.

495 leap years since year 0 (not including 0) (2001/4 = 500 R1 (drop R); 2000/400 = 5, 500 -5 = 495) (every four hundred years a leap year is not counted)

4 + 9 + 5 = 18
Make it a complex trinomial (3 terms; see where I’m going with this?), drop 18 for now so the discriminant formula can be used easily

4x^2 + 9x +5 = 0
Using the discriminant formula : b^2 – 4ac
9^2 – 4(4)(5)
81 – 80 = 1
D > 0 Therefore there are two real roots

Using the quadratic formula:
X = -1.25, x = -1
SUM OF ROOTS: -2.25
-2.25 x -1 (root) = 2.25

Bring back 18 from 4 + 9 + 5
18 / 2.25 = 8
5 leap years knocked off (400, 800, 1200, 1600, 2000; remember 0 is not counted)
8 – 5 is 3.

Half Life 3 Confirmed

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Martin on July 04, 2013, 02:33:44 pm

- "Do you speak English?"
- "Yes!"
- "Name?"
- "Abdul al-Rhazib. From Arab."
- "Sex?"
- "Three to five times a week."
- "No, no... I mean male or female?"
- "Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
- "Holy cow!"
- "Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general."
- "But isn't that hostile?"
- "Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
- "Oh dear!"
- "No, no! Deer runs too fast..."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on July 04, 2013, 02:39:38 pm

Quote from: [FSR]Martin on July 04, 2013, 02:33:44 pm

- "Do you speak English?"
- "Yes!"
- "Name?"
- "Abdul al-Rhazib. From Arab."
- "Sex?"
- "Three to five times a week."
- "No, no... I mean male or female?"
- "Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
- "Holy cow!"
- "Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general."
- "But isn't that hostile?"
- "Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
- "Oh dear!"
- "No, no! Deer runs too fast..."

Quote from: [MAF]Cromiell on August 30, 2011, 07:34:58 pm

An Arab at airport:
- Name?
- Abdul AlRazhib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no, I mean male or female.
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no, deer run to fast!...

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on July 04, 2013, 02:49:08 pm

Cysio has a good memory :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Aj_Lajk_Bir on July 04, 2013, 03:00:30 pm

:)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on July 07, 2013, 10:57:08 pm

A very sad CHINESE story:
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朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬
So depressing
Especially when she said: 汦睯攺,
I almost cried

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Karlis on July 08, 2013, 08:07:28 pm

Quote from: (MAF)Snoops on July 07, 2013, 10:57:08 pm

A very sad CHINESE story:
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥眭扥楫楬敮牡札慲楤湥潴昣昸昸攣散散戻捡杫潲湵浩条㩥洭穯氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧獭氭湩慥牧摡敩瑮琨灯㡦㡦㡦捥捥捥㬩慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧楬敮牡札散散汩整㩲牰杯摩䐺䥘慭敧牔湡晳牯楍牣獯景牧摡敩瑮猨慴瑲潃潬卲牴昣昸昸䔬摮潃潬卲牴攣散散㬩潢摲牥硰猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬朣楢琴执㝧执瑩浻牡楧㩮㔱硰执㝧执獧浻牡楧敬瑦瀰絸朣杢㑳执獧扻捡杫潲湵潣潬㩲昣昸昸㬸慢正牧畯摮椭慭敧敷止瑩札慲楤湥楬敮牡氬晥⁴潴敬瑦戠瑯潴牦浯㡦㡦㡦潴捥捥捥戻捡杫潲猠汯摩⌠㙣㙣㙣搻獩汰祡戺潬正潭潢摲牥爭摡畩㩳瀲㭸漭戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰敷止瑩戭牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰戻牯敤慲楤獵㈺硰执獧搴摻獩汰祡戺潬正瀻獯瑩潩㩮敲慬楴敶执獧搴筮楤灳慬㩹湩楬敮戭潬正漻敶晲潬
So depressing
Especially when she said: 汦睯攺,
I almost cried

the spoiler ctrl+F :(

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Plato on August 10, 2013, 10:25:10 am

English lesson. Can you read it loud, without biting your tongue? :L :L :L :L :L

English for Beginners:

Three witches watch three swatch watches.
Which witch watch which swatch watch?

English for advanced learners:

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches.
Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?

English for pro's:

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches.
Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Karlis on August 10, 2013, 11:52:01 am

i think this is more of a German thing, with the special chars and sounds at least Latvian has i had no problems whatsoever.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on August 10, 2013, 11:59:36 am

pro one wasn't really hard

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [AK47]Tommy_Vicious on August 10, 2013, 01:33:24 pm

i was like "swatchwichsssssss" for  ten minutes  :L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Cthulhu on September 26, 2013, 06:55:58 pm

conversation:
- what reach does BT have? in ideal conditions, will it get through a wall and another 15m into the garden?
- if BT means Battle Tank, then yes

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [LSR]Jalicno on October 02, 2013, 12:47:53 am

Quote

Quoted from "[FaiZan]"

So, choice is yours...
If I join your will gain more popularity beacuse I am lvl 3 Admin of Server Adrenaline X, I was bored so joined this...
If NO, its ok I will tell others how BAD this server was!....

http://nsg-page.de/forum/index.php?page=Thread&threadID=1219&pageNo=1

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on October 02, 2013, 06:12:52 am

:L

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: malipop on December 20, 2013, 11:05:06 pm

Me: GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY
Lady gaga: *appears suddenly*
lady gaga: what is it?
Me: I can’t find my scarf
Lady gaga: I told you to use this power only for good

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on July 05, 2014, 04:18:36 pm

A man has been arrested after police found Corn Flakes, Coco Pops and Special K under his foreskin.
He was a cereal rapist.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Żurrieq on July 08, 2014, 07:21:23 am

Senior trying to set a password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]mooman on July 08, 2014, 12:08:51 pm

Cabbage50

Also, the password program should have given all the conditions at the beginning.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: [MAF]Snoopy on July 08, 2014, 08:51:52 pm

Calling your girlfriend Brazil because she kicks off every 5 minutes.