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Saladin, the first sultan of Egypt and Syria and the founder of the Ayyubid dynasty, called a press conference earlier today to inform the world that he is coming out as a vegan. The Muslim conqueror said he recently became a vegan after dating a vegan woman who opened his eyes and helped him gain enlightenment.Saladin has sworn to promote a vegan lifestyle across Egypt, Syria, Upper Mesopotamia, the Hejaz, Yemen and other parts of North Africa which he controls. Starting from next month, all corporations operating in areas that Saladin rules over will be subject to paying a 10% vegan tax.In addition, the Sultan will also require all citizens of his empire to take a mandatory annual “foliage test”. The foliage test seeks to ascertain if the subject has eaten enough leaves and vegetables in the past year. Test subjects who are determined to have low concentrations of leaves in their bloodstream will be subject to public flogging.The Sultan has also, by executive order, fired all members of his administration and replaced them with Peta activists. One Peta personnel, James McDicking, who is infamous for rescuing 30,000 fishes from the sea and bringing them to land (where they died from dehydration), will be the Sultan’s new chief of staff.In response to critics who accused Saladin of “growing weak”, the Sultan fired back, stating that real men are vegans:“The stereotype of male vegans being weak needs to be dealt with and put to an end. Real men love animals. Whats the point of conquering new kingdoms if you don’t treat their animals right? As for those who claim that I have been “pussyfied” by my new wife, I just don’t know what to tell you. I am the most alpha male on the planet right now, Just check Forbes’s list of “Most Alpha conquerors on the planet” I have never done anything that has ever put my manliness in doubt”.“You have been caught on camera sticking a dildo in your anal regions” one of our reporters retorted nervously.The Sultan took a moment to respond.“Uh.. well…. um.. yeaa… um.. yea whats important to note is that what happens in a man’s bedroom is between him and his God. I don’t think my love for dildos, regardless of which part of my body I place them, is a valid receive to question my manliness. This press conference has come to an end. CUT!!! CUT!!!”.On a completely unrelated note, our journalist responsible for asking the dildo question has been missing all day and his family members fear he may have been assassinated.
