General > Off-Topic
Jokes
[MAF]mooman:
This place needs some humor :)
What happened to the frog that broke down?
It got TOAD away!!!
Did you hear about the lobster who went to the disco?
He pulled a mussel!
How do you make an apple crumble?
Kick it in the groin!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant!
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch TV!
add more if you have any :D
[MAF]Rac3r:
lol The long ones good. ;D My mobile is full of jokes.
A dwarf goes to the doctors complaining about a sore fanny. Doctor gets his scissors out and snips a bit. Dwarf says "That good, it feels better, what did you do?" Doctor replies "I've trimmed the top off your wellies".
Family driving behind a dustbin lorry when a large dildo flys out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns to her young kinds and says "That was a big insect". To which her 7 yeard son says "I'm suprised it could fly with a cock that size".
Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his cock. He says "Do you like my cock that much?". She says "No, I just miss mine".
A young lad comes home and says to his dad, "I'm not a virgin anymore", dad says "Congratulations son, I will take you to the cinema to celebrate". Young lad replies "Not today dad, my arse still hurts".
REMEMBER : A woman is like a toilet. She's either Free, Taken, Engaged, Out Of Order, Taking The Piss or Full Of Shit.
Two nuns being raped down a country lane. First nun says "Forgive them lord, for they not know what they are doing". Second nun says "My god, this fucker does".
Zoo keeper says to Knutico "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you concider shagging it for £500?". Knutico replies "I will on three conditions, ONE my family don't find out. TWO I don't have to kiss it, THREE I need a couple of weeks to get the money together".
[MAF]mooman:
lmao at the last joke now we know what all the donations are for
[MAF]falky:
Found some good ones on the net....
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As
the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the Women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes back to play in the ocean.
Then he runs to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his Mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the Longer he talks
the " dumber" he gets.
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a sh-t first."
A computer techy was helping a friend set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password. Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...
The techy nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
;D ;D ;D
[MAF]Snoopy:
lmaooo at the kuntico joke pwned!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 lmaoooo ;D ;D ;D ;D
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