Topic: Jokes

[[MAF]mooman]

This place needs some humor


What happened to the frog that broke down?
It got TOAD away!!!
Did you hear about the lobster who went to the disco?
He pulled a mussel!
How do you make an apple crumble?
Kick it in the groin!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong currant!
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch TV!

add more if you have any

[[MAF]Rac3r]

lol The long ones good.  My mobile is full of jokes.

A dwarf goes to the doctors complaining about a sore fanny. Doctor gets his scissors out and snips a bit. Dwarf says "That good, it feels better, what did you do?" Doctor replies "I've trimmed the top off your wellies".
Family driving behind a dustbin lorry when a large dildo flys out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns to her young kinds and says "That was a big insect". To which her 7 yeard son says "I'm suprised it could fly with a cock that size".
Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his cock. He says "Do you like my cock that much?". She says "No, I just miss mine".
A young lad comes home and says to his dad, "I'm not a virgin anymore", dad says "Congratulations son, I will take you to the cinema to celebrate". Young lad replies "Not today dad, my arse still hurts".
REMEMBER : A woman is like a toilet. She's either Free, Taken, Engaged, Out Of Order, Taking The Piss or Full Of Shit.
Two nuns being raped down a country lane. First nun says "Forgive them lord, for they not know what they are doing". Second nun says "My god, this fucker does".
Zoo keeper says to Knutico "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you concider shagging it for £500?". Knutico replies "I will on three conditions, ONE my family don't find out. TWO I don't have to kiss it, THREE I need a couple of weeks to get the money together".

[[MAF]mooman]

lmao at the last joke now we know what all the donations are for

[[MAF]falky]

Found some good ones on the net....

                                                                                                             
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa. As
the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the Women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes back to play in the ocean.

Then he runs to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than
his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his Mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the Longer he talks
the " dumber" he gets.
                                                                                                             
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a sh-t first."
                                                                                                                     
A computer techy was helping a friend set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password. Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...

The techy nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
                                                                                     

 

[[MAF]Snoopy]

lmaooo at the kuntico joke pwned!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 lmaoooo      

[Dr.Pressure]

Good jokes, I'll post some later but they may be a bit explicit

[[MAF]mooman]

loool apart from mine all of these jokes are about sex




pervs!

[[MAF]Rac3r]

lol
What do you call a street with no Kosovans, no Pakis, no Poles, no Niggers, no Arabs and no Muslims?
Fucking quality street!
Found a parrot the other day, it keeps saying "Fuck off you ugly bastard"?
Not yours is it?
A little jew boy wasn't allowed to join Liverpool Supporters Club because he was circumsized......
apparrantly you need to be a complete dick to support Liverpool.
Osama Bin Laden has been arrested in Wales for sheep shagging. He said that they were Is-Lambs and he could what he fucking wanted with them.
If god made the front of a womans body, who made the back?
The Council.
Who else would put a shit hole next to a play area!

[Dr.Pressure]

If god made the front of a womans body, who made the back?
The Council.
Who else would put a shit hole next to a play area!

I absolutely just fucking lol'd 

[[BAK]Ironman]

I heard this one 5 years ago on the Late Night With David Letterman,David had kids come out and tell a joke,This kid was 10 years old(I think)And here is the joke he said.>>What is the different between a Snowman And Snowwoman =SNOWBALLS

[[MAF]Rac3r]

A terrorist jumps up his from his seat on a plane and says "this is a hijack!" and pulls down his balaclava. He says to a guy, "Did you see my face?" . The guy says "Yes?", so the hijacker shoots him, DEAD. He turns to the next guy and asks him, "did you see my face?". The man replies "No, but my wife did."

[[MAF]mooman]

if he's a terrorist he's going to be dying anyway so why would he care if anyone saw his face?

woop woop i ruined the joke yayyy

[[MAF]Snoopy]

[[FSR]Ush]

loool apart from mine all of these jokes are about sex




pervs!

CHARLY THE UNICORN!!!!

[Skaterkills]

Allright, these are some story jokes, they're quite long, so if you dont feel like reading alot... meh

(They are all about some people doing cybersex)


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the
Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the
lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body
explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield
inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil
army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my
accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it
ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my
breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to
charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide
and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in
the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular
physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your
ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something


Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay.
Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough.
Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty.
Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good.
Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter
all in your crack. Mmmm.
Sarah19fca: you like that?
Bloodninja: I peel some bananas.
Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Sarah19fca: Peanuts?
Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Sarah19fca: What are you talking about?
Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw
rocks at the cats.
Sarah19fca: This is stupid.
Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh.
Sarah19fca: /ignore
Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---------------

Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:K, but don't tell anybody 
DirtyKate:Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo
Storm.
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an
order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with
sauce.
Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may
I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your
order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home
alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll
drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja:How did you know?
Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I
let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm
me up baby
Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my
pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in
ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is
deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom,
I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f**k?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
DirtyKate:F**k
------------------

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables...
Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along
the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn
to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your
olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever.